Grape Ape

I had quite the eventful weekend. The problem is there is no way that even my writing can relay the amount of hilarity that ensued deep in the nothingness of Lititz on Saturday night. I could attempt to describe the events which included the best drunken play-by-play of a UFC PPV that I will likely ever hear, a ginormous man wearing nothing but boxers and a viking hat doing a gorilla dance and his girlfriend stomping on his nuts as if she never plans to lick them again and my "wife" wearing a motorcycle helmet while attempting to steal my plastic tumbler of Jameson.

I know I need to get a real camera, but I think these pictures do the event justice. Just as the Weekly World News publishes grainy photos of "Sasquatch", I present to you...Fat Fat doin' the Grape Ape, Grape Ape:

Classmates

What the hell is up, my peeps?! Hope everyone is having a horrible week and is busy chewing on mushy remnants from last night's vomitastic journey to the shitter induced by self-disgust and embarrassment of how pathetic your life has become. I'm chewing on partially digested mushroom/chicken pot pie. Delish!

Went to Yahoo! this morning to search for the latest in homemade snuff films and this ad was on the right hand side:
I fully admit that I hate nearly every jizzstain I went to high school with, so this ad would never apply to me, but really? They're trying to rope you in to register with classmates.com by enticing you with this broad? Did someone really want to date the maniacal bulimic with the horizontal attention scars on her forearms? Remember when she drank Ajax because Jimmy told her that He-Man beat her skeletal ass and it gave her flashbacks of when Uncle Bob did that in real life? How about the time she scalded herself with Cup O' Noodles broth when the cheerleaders called her deranged slut because she had a crush on Rick and made the mistake of telling him he played well in last week's football game? Seriously, we're supposed to believe that someone wanted to ask her out?

(I would bang the hell outta this girl.)

Run and Shoot

Well, I'm back at work and that's a pretty good thing for the celebrities in this world since they tend to go belly-up if I'm not sitting behind a desk and screaming at pill-popping shoplifters while the sun is out. However, I may have killed Michael Jackson, Ed McMahon and that glorious bastard, Billy Mays, but I refuse to accept any responsibility for Steve McNair. You see, this goes along with that rant of mine from a couple years back about guys bitching that they get bilked for child support for kids that end up being another gas man's tax credit. Ya think Air McNair woulda gotten popped if he stayed at home with his wife and 4 sons rather than parasailing with a 20-year old waitress from Dave & Buster's? I'm thinking that if McNair took his kids out for some fun at Dave & Buster's that night, he probably doesn't end up in the shotgun formation with the Arabian Annie Oakley. (This description is probably invalid since Ms. Oakley wouldn't have ever used 4 shots to bring a grizzly down; although, it doesn't sound like this girl missed.)

Before you go crazy on me, I'm not condoning murder for people who are unfaithful in their marriages. After all, there is a certain someone who is still alive in Camp Hill or wherever she may be fucking these days. Truthfully, I really don't condone any punishment for that behavior except a good ol' fashioned burning sensation when you pee. And maybe the HIV. What I'm saying is, poor decisions involving crazed, young and desperate poontang could be potentially dangerous to your cranium and upper torso. And with that said, anyone want to go to Dave & Buster's with me this weekend? I hear them waitresses are hot!

Hey baby, wanna skee my balls??

Sour Cream & Bacon

Lookit here, you Dorito making dickflickers, Chex Mix did it...what's your fucking problem???


And on a semi-related snacking issue, yes please...

DoritoMania

The mundane task of grocery shopping led me to the snack aisle where Doritos were on sale, 2 for $5. This led me to think about what my favorite flavors of Doritos are, both those that are available now and the ones that those crunchtwits at Frito-Lay teased us with over the years. While doing some research, I came across many, many flavors that are sold in other far superior countries; flavors I would love to try. I'm sure I'm missing quite a few domestic and international flavors, but what follows is my list of domestic Doritos (dead or alive) in order of preference, as well as my list of international Doritos that I would love to indulge in. Enjoy!



Domestic:
1) Good ol' Nacho Cheese
2) Cool Ranch
3) Spicy Sweet Chili
4) Sonic Sour Cream
5) Jumpin' Jack
6) Ranchero
7) Taco/Taco Grande (the original shit)
8) Four Cheese
9) Salsa Verde
10) X-13D (Cheeseburger)
11) Natural White Nacho Cheese
12) Guacamole
13) Zesty Taco/Chipotle Ranch (Collisions)
14) The Quest (Mountain Dew)
15) Hot Wings/Blue Cheese (Collisions)
16) Pizza Supreme
17) Sizzlin' Picante/Baja Picante
18) Spicy BBQ
19) Salsa
20) Pizza Cravers/Ranch (Collisions)
21) Last Call: Tacos at Midnight
22) Black Pepper Jack
23) Poppin' Jalapeno
24) Last Call: Jalapeno Popper
25) Spicier Nacho
26) Blazin' Buffalo & Ranch
27) Flaming Hot
28) Fiery Habanero
29) Smokin' Cheddar BBQ (Probably the most disappointed I've ever been in a chip)

Then you have your plain old Toasted Corn which I have not had the pleasure of taste testing, however I imagine it tastes like an already licked Dorito. Additionally, contrary to popular belief and contradictory to what those at Frito-Lay have reported, there was, in fact, a Sour Cream and Onion Doritos product produced in the late 70s and early 80s. Why did those bastards take it away? I can only assume Reagan had something to do with it.


International:
1) Pizza-La: Curry Monterey (Pizza-La is a Japanese Pizza Hut)
2) Chicken Sizzler/Zesty Salsa (Collisions)
3) Gourmet Sausage
4) Sour Cream and Mild Chilli
5) Wasabi Mayonnaise
6) Gold Peking Duck
7) Gourmet Fried Chicken & Green Onion Sauce
8) Spicy Beef
9) Dill-licious
10) Pizza-La: Teriyaki Chicken
11) Garlic
12) Ketchup
13) Sweet Chili Heat (Piment Infernal!)
14) Seaweed (In Dorito Stick form)
15) Wild White Nacho
16) Chargrilled BBQ
17) Extreme Zesty Sour Cream & Cheddar
18) Megawhat Chili Cheese
19) Extreme Kickin' Chili
20) Chilli Heatwave
21) Megawhat Salsa
22) Mexicana
23) Mexican Hot Flavour
24) Bold BBQ
25) Jalapeno & Cheddar
26) Nacho Italiano
27) Italiano Tomato & Cheese
28) Extreme Queso Grande
29) Queso Nacho

If you come across any flavors that I missed, make sure you shout out and if anyone finds out what happened to Doritos 3D or Rollitos, please don't tell me. I've had enough deaths in my life during the past week.

Oh, those crazy Japanese...they can make anything fun and exciting!!!

But why is there a big ass tomato slice on that pizza?!?!?

Breaking News...

Doesn't sound like falling luggage killed Billy after all, so that guy from trivia last night who thought he had the clever team name can suck my dick. Instead, Billy's heart went...

Now I need Mighty MendIt for my broken heart...

Enough!

Relax St. Peter, I'm back at work, so there shouldn't be any more celebrity deaths to deal with for awhile. Although, I'm counting 5 at this point, so I suppose we have one more in the near future. (Please be Brimley!)

I don't remember a whole lot about Fred Travalena except for his appearances on The New Hollywood Squares and the sexual tension between him and Judy Tenuta on Match Game '90. I know that he specialized in impersonations which led to his greatest career accomplishment, voicing Bogey on "Shirt Tales." Other than that, it looks like he played Vega$ and had non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. From what I can tell, I'm a game show appearance and life-threatening disease away from my own star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame.

By the way, I was hoping to bring you news of an Übersmack turkey since we won the previous two weeks of trivia, however we finished 4th last night. For your knowledge and the knowledge of your children, Michael Stipe is the godfather of Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love's son. (Thanks, Snrub.)

And one more thing...with the death of Billy Mays, Frank is right; who will the stay at home inventors turn to?! No one. This is why Paul and I have decided to end our quest to become the next great invention tag team and instead begin a detective agency. Stay tuned.

Engrave It!!! Perfect For Your Tombstone!!!

Today sucks so badly, I just want to punch a prostitute. As many of you know, I can't sleep. I've tried pretty much everything short of Valium and Ambien and I haven't slept through an entire evening for nearly 3 years. When you can't sleep, inevitably you end up watching really bad late night television and late night TV = infomercials. Infomercials = Billy Mays. Billy Mays = a father figure to me. I've been perilously close to purchasing the Big City Slider Station, the Steam Buddy, Mighty Putty and the Ding King on so many sleepless nights that I feel like a dick now that I never supported that lovable bearded bastard and his multi-million dollar voice with my own donation of $19.95 plus S&H. I loved Billy Mays so much that I'm addicted to "Pitchmen" and I wanna piss all over that wanker Sully every time he tries to step to the beard. Excuse me now while I go cry into my Zorbeez and if anyone dares mention that ShamWow rip-off to me, you'll find an Awesome Auger right up your Jupiter Jack. Kaboom!

RIP JACKO

I smell one gaudy televised funeral procession in our future. Diamond studded gloves in the air and pour out a little Jesus Juice for yo' boy.

NBA Draft

It's kind of a tradition around here, so if I'm gonna keep this blog rollin', I better share my thoughts on the Knicks annual lottery selection. If you don't care for the sports posts, go wack it to redtube.com. Otherwise, bare with me and if you're following along at home, you'll be able to determine my level of anger as the night progresses.

Rather than start with who I would like to see the Knicks draft, let's get what will infuriate me out of the way. The Knicks are drafting in the 8 spot and if they even consider drafting Brandon Jennings, I will murder hos. I have absolutely no idea why teams are high on this jackoff, but he's only a story because he went to Europe for a year instead of going to college. Not that any of these guys are Greg Langs, but he went to Europe because he couldn't make it through one year of Tit Sizes 101 at Arizona. Furthermore, he GOT BENCHED IN EUROPE and he has the attitude of a spoiled two year old. He's a guaranteed bust and shouldn't even be drafted. Predictions have him going in the top 10 and if he goes to the Knicks, there's going to be an explosion near Manor Shopping Center. Just take a peek at this dickhead...

Now onto who I would like to see in a Knicks uniform next season:

It's not going to happen, but my first two choices would be Stephen Curry or Tyreke Evans. Curry seems like he would be a perfect fit for D'Antoni's system and I'm not even going to play the he's best friends with LeBron card. Evans is a freak and would be able to mesh into the 7 seconds or less flow immediately. I think he has the most upside of any player in the top half of this draft, but he's likely to go number 4 or 5 and Curry has been predicted to go as high as 3 and no lower than 6 in most of the updated mock drafts. If either happens to fall to the Knicks, I expect you to toast with me.

Being realistic and assuming Curry and Evans are gone, I'm going to cross my fingers that Jonny Flynn is still available. He's a New York kid, has said that he would love to play at the Garden and has the same type of game that should fit into the Knicks' plan and he actually had two years of successful ballin' in college unlike Jrue Holiday, who is also getting pub. If Holiday is chosen with Flynn on the board, I may become a Nets fan. And if Flynn is gone...

Fuck. If it's not Curry, Evans or Flynn, I'm pretty much not satisfied. It will probably be Jordan Hill in this scenario, although I'd be just as happy if they traded down and nabbed Terrence Williams, who should be a solid surprise who gets taken in the late part of the lottery.

To wrap things up, my wish list look like this:

1) Stephen Curry
2) Tyreke Evans
3) Jonny Flynn
4) Terrence Williams
5) DeMar DeRozan

The list that will make my head explode:
1) Brandon Jennings
2) Jrue Holiday
3) Gerald Henderson

And while we're at it, the Knicks bought the Lakers #29 pick this morning for $3 million, so I'll make a short wish list trying to project who will be around that late...

1) Patty Mills (if they don't get a PG with their first selection)
2) Chase Budinger (probably gone before #29)
3) Derrick Brown
4) Omri Casspi from Israel (for no other reason than he's from Isreal)
5) G. Skip Miller

Thanks for listening.